TRUMP L'OIEL THE HAIR NOT-CARE RANGE THATS ON POINT!

With naturally glossy, straight and normally coloured hair I was the the laughing stock of the new political regime and fashion trend sweeping through the States. How could I, with my swinging glorious locks be able to get the in demand poofy, orange and cray-cray looking hair to fit in, and not be left behind.

I was about to accept my loser status when I found Trump L'oeil range of hair care products, all with built in self tanning. Was I ever over joyed. I used it for a week and the results were mind blowing. Not only did it take all natural moisture out of my hair, and make it super angry and unmanageable, it also wrecked my naturally plain brown hair colour and replaced it with a colour only found in self tanning booths of Jersey shore. Was I ever impressed. 

To keep up with the trend sweeping the country I would recommed the Trump L'oeil range of hair not caring products. You will be part of the cool crowd. 

Homicidal Road Rage: DO NOT give me a weapon

I’m a sales rep, which means I go into the battle field of the Johannesburg road system every day all day. Now how I haven’t lost my few marbles I have left from running this gauntlet every day, or turned homicidal I can only blame the fact I thank fully don’t spend all my time on the roads in a car but switch between bike and car. So no white jacket just yet. But with time being out there on the frontlines I have learnt these valuable things:

a)      Red Robots are mere suggestions. A few years ago they were law but now if you like Russian roulette, play it in your car in traffic! Every day I see someone not only squeezing in waaaayyyy after the lights gone red, or waaaay before it goes green but each week I find a driver who whizzes through a red robot at top speed in the middle of a red light like the cops are chasing him, yeah right.

b)      Other mere suggestions on roads are stop streets, yield signs, right of ways or generally following any rules. I mean that’s for suckers that like being alive.

 

c)       Indicators do not come standard on cars! Changing lanes in the K53 required a blind spot check, once you’ve survived your test you can now assume the poor guy next to you has the reflexes of superman and can brake because you want to be in that lane, indicating is just ruining the surprise.  Also turning using your indicators are for poor sods who want the cars to know what they’re about to do in the hopes of survival. Also indicating the right direction is boring. Have a good laugh at the pissed off drivers while you indicate right and turn left. Bahahaha.

 

d)      White lines are for snorting, yellow lines are white lines with liver problems and red lines are from some moron bleeding after being hit by a random car. All of these are to be ignored and assumed to not exist! Remember people the emergency lanes are for those very busy people who thinks emergencies are getting home on time.

 

e)      Don’t get me started in taxi’s. When I’m in a car I think all taxi’s should be rounded up and killed. This is not genocide but culling. If we can cull elephants for the betterment of the nature reserve we should do it to taxi drivers. Ironically on a bike they are the ones that move aside for me and know I’m there, so as long as I’m on 2 wheels they can stay.

 

f)       Pedestrians, really? In this country you hit a pedestrian running around in the road and you get charged with manslaughter even though they’re playing dodge the traffic on the ROAD, where the CARS are. My mom used to say she drove on the sidewalks because there was less foot traffic on it. So true. You come across some walking on the road, forcing you to a grinding halt, even  though there is 16km’s of open field right next to them to walk, and they then give you a death stare like ‘how dare you and your car be on a road’ and then amble at the speed of death out of your way. I will knock one over simply outta spite one day.

 

g)      Speed limits are a good idea to follow people. 20kms and hour in a 60 zone will have me put my high heel through your ear one day. 160 in an 80 zone, also if I catch you, I have one shoe left. Following up my bumper so close I feel like a porn star is not going to make me go faster, especially since I’m probably sandwiched between you and a car in front on me doing the 20 in a 60 zone trick, who has just pulled out in front of you forcing you to emergency brake.

h)      Right of ways now are actually not for people who actually have the right of way. Nope its in the order of who has the bigger car, who is the most lawless and who drives a bmw or merc. If you do not have any of these, than prepared to wait until there is NO ONE and you are thus allowed to go.

 

i)        Thanking someone goes a long way. When I was growing up my Dad used to teach me that if anyone did anything nice for you in traffic, you thank them. Please can we make this part of the drivers test. It’s so rare to be thanked for making someone else’s life just a tad easier. I still do it, a little wave always gets the person smiling. Simple gesture. Now zap signs are far more common than anything.

But in the general havoc of the road I have realised that I seriously need a holiday, before I put a stiletto heel through a drivers head. Thank god I’m not armed.

Okay bitch session over! I'll be back in my cage if you need me.

Bubbles 2.0: The Sequel

So a few months ago I bought the first KTM 125 SX 2013 in the country. I was overjoyed, like a kid on Christmas morning. She arrived home in her box and my roomie who’s the KTM mechanic put her together under my watchful eye. She was my pride and joy and my new baby. The bike was gorgeous, all sleek lines and shiny stuff. So that Sunday we all piled in to the car to go and run her in. Although bought for FMX she would be introduced to the MX track first, I had to run her in after all. I have never gelled with a bike so quickly and boy did I fall head over heels in love with her. After 2 rides I was able to have her run in service and one more test on the mx track to check and then to the compound.

 

But on the test ride on the Saturday her accelerator stuck open. Not to unusual, cables often get caught when going round corners, its happened on my bikes before. What was unusual was when I went to go jump her (in a straight line) she did it again, making me over jump a 20m table top by 6m. Never a good thing when you stuck in mid-air and you have time to think about how bad it’s going to end, have a mani-pedi and read the whole shades of grey trilogy. But somehow I survived it, and increased my intake of alcohol that evening. So for check-up number 2 on her. And back to the mx track for some testing. Needless to say it ended badly with me lying on the ground, screaming bloody murder when the accelerator stuck open and she decided to try flip. Poor Bubbles was now not only sick, but injured. So she went to the bike hospital where everything was changed to brand new parts. Should be sorted right? Um no. 2 weeks later after the warranty claim and I could walk again, her accelerator stuck once again! Yes, no one else believed me either! So off to a new mechanic who went through EVERYTHING. So now it definitely had to work, right? 4 mechanics, 8 weeks of problems, new parts and nothing wrong with her. Um nope, yet again the poltergeist came through. Firstly she stuck once again on a jump, but no one saw it so no one believed me. But then she finally decided an audience was needed and her accelerator stuck open and I got to ride an entire corner flat out without my hand on the handle bar. But this did two things. Prove to people I have not lost my mind but Bubble really is possessed and I am a lot slower than my bike thinks I am.

So now the conundrum. Having bought Bubbles because Thumper my previous bike was giving me trouble, I know had trouble kid number 2. I wanted to jump her but didn’t trust her as far as I could throw her (which as proved by the crash, pretty far)? So I spoke to RAD moto where I got the little terrorist and nicely asked if I could get a bike that worked. RAD came through massively, trading in Bubbles for Bubbles 2.0, the sequel. I was ridiculously impressed by their service, they made sure the bike was ready, working overtime with even the DP helping assemble the bike. Back to over excited kid. And off to the MX track with her. As gorgeous and as lovely to ride as her predecessor. I took her through the paces, no cute gentle run in for her, no, I wanted her to scream and if there was any issues I wanted to know about it, right then and there. But this Bubble is a happy well-adjusted kid, loving the jumps, drifted into corners, railing berms and giving me the power I want. I left the track with a giant smile, exhausted and happy.

A big thank you to RAD Moto, Dave, Loodt, Mike, Ian and everyone else from there. My dream is back on track because you all went above and beyond the call of duty, there are no words. But the next round at the pub is on me!!!!

 

Carnage month!

Baby showers, school reunions, 8 puppies, breading hamsters, shoots, crashes, accident proneness, races, bike events and broken bikes, my month is going NUTS.

 

So my roomies knocked up. Don’t worry she knows the father and the whole thing was planned. Although to be honest mother nature’s planning with the whole pregnancy could’ve been tweaked a bit. The poor woman is waddling around with a watermelon strapped to her front, swollen ankles, sore back and the inability to sleep. And then once she manages to pop the sproglet out (squeezing a coach through a key hole) she than has to deal with breast feeding, stretch marks and everything else coming with the whole thing. Don’t get me wrong, I love kids, just never a whole one in a sitting and my baby proofing the house to keep them out has been sneakily side stepped by her!  But she’s super happy and even doesn’t complain about her anti natial classes. I would, loudly and on all websites. So we had a baby shower and I (shudder) pinked out the house as she is having a sprogette. And we had a blast. Apparently 3 mothers in one room means carnage can happen, who knew.

So onto the next mission, school reunion at the end of the month. Firstly I was the freak at school so I was planning the avoidance or to rock up there in my bosses jag with my bosses tattoo’ d wife. Than they made it at the school chapel, and my bosses wife refused to be near me due to lightening issues.  So my other boss at the night job offered the conference area for it. So I have inadvertedly become the organiser for the cocktail part of the day. Really? I was the girl who went as the Trench coat mafia on my last day of school. Don’t worry it was dress up day, dress as something beginning with T.  There was also a terrorist so I was low on the scare list. But having chatted to a few of the girl I went to school with they’re actually really nice. Of course I was the morbid freak at school that managed to miss that. So now to research 2002. God I feel old.

Now to carry on the pregnancy out break we have had in the house, the roommate, the maid, the dog, the hamster. I am avoiding the water. The maids given birth, the dog has had the puppies and we have already re homed the Russian dwarfs. But we have 8 little rug rats running around. Now puppies are incredibly cute but they have reached 5 weeks and have found their naughty chewing side. And since they are currently living in my room it’s a problem. Every morning it’s a room sweep to check no shoes have been left out, nothing at all valuable is in puppies reach. But they have also decided that when they are hungry, which is now some ungodly hour of the morning they are going to wake us up with their howling. Cute but my god I’ve had less sleep than an insomniac on cocaine. I have named them all, mostly because of their personalities, you know how its goes. Livingstone if left for 2 seconds goes exploring, Rufus is nuts, chilli is sweet but bites, Spartacus should actually be gimp, but I thought better than give her a complex so I went with irony, Morris is like a Morris minor, classic but causes problems, hot chocolate, well she’s brown, I’ll be honest not too much imagination there, coco Chanel is the lady of the group and Flyer is beyond crazy.  So this is my new posse, beware my shoes.

 

Now I am normally accident prone. Think it can’t be dangerous, I’ll hurt myself, think its unbreakable? I’ll smash it. My poor suffering boyfriend thinks I should be a demolition expert. So I have burnt myself on a gas heater at a shoot, and didn’t notice, had my hand slammed in a car door and have walked into pretty much everything solid in the last 2 weeks, while I was sober. This is getting a tad outta hand. My BMW is leaking oil, my kdx lacks brakes, my little ktm thumper is in pieces and my new ktm bubbles is um also in pieces. I plan on locking myself in a padded cell in bubble wrap. Having crashed bubbles due to mechanics error (apparently when I told them my 3 week old bikes accelerator was sticking they thought I was off my head) I have a sore bum and back as well. Not the best thing to yell at 5 guy’s right after crashing! MY ASS IS SORE. Hmmmm rethink that strategy next time.

So if I thought that relaxing was on the cards, think again. Said poor suffering bf as a KTM selling machine is pretty much over run with events, so if I want to see the boy I need to get involves. Bad excuse I would go anyway. So with a horrible adventure ride out of the way (I lack an adventure bike so it was horrible I couldn’t go L ) he now has mx races to go to, yahh dirt, heat and mx bikes, heaven. Than the AMID show, which is the biking show to go to. Although he has almost been killed by me at i
last years one when he tried to buy me pink boots. And the list continues. So more bikes than I know what to do with but makes me smiley.

And last but not least, I get to go to Kosi bay to get shot! Modelling shooting that is. With Superbike and Dirt and Trail in the last month (exhaustion and one evil cow at the one shoot) I can’t wait for some sun, fun and rum. And apparently there is going to be some modelling as well. Hope they bring an underwater camera as I am going to be snorkelling.

I’m off to enjoy the now summer weather at the end of a jhb winter.  Miss behave!

Run screaming now.

They have been on me to write a blog for a while now. Them being the voices in my head and a few mates. See my life is chaos, I have 2 jobs, one obsession, a traumatised boyfriend, a freelance job, a exercise program, and a few hobbies.

Job one - sales executive, for a waste company. Mostly lovely but other than the fact that some people are arses and the fact i need to play around in rubbish areas as part of my job, it keeps me happy with the tax man. Than job 2, night manager at a pub. I have a black belt in fuck you's because of this, the bitch reputation and an adversion to drunk men. But if you need an education, screw school go be a waiter.

The obsession. FMX, freestyle motocross. I have managed to make riding dirtying by adding the fact I jump to the equation. Not very good at it at the moment, but me and thumper (125 sx) are gonna try for bigger and better things! Since I'm the only girl it by default, but i love flying so we shall carry on.

The poor boyfriend who had to have me move in with him because i was broken and he needed to baby sit me. He has a wonderful manner, a support streak like crazy, is a nutty yachty and learnt to deal with my accident proneness early.

My freelance job is modelling which I fell in to accidently. I blame my parents, they did the nasty and 9 months later the stork bought me. So the fact I aint to bad on the eyes is their fault, I take no responsibility. I'm big in the bike modelling world, I believe its so they have something pretty to distract from me. And the alternative scene, think its the black hair, grizzly look I have going.

My exercise program - go to fridge get beer. I try to keep fit, even though its EVIL. But I know one day someone will want to kill me and I need to be able to out run them. I prefer fun things to keep fit like martial arts, carnal arts and riding bikes.

My hobbies, enduro and super bike riding, puzzle building, reading and trying to keep the russian dwarf hamsters alive. Superbike riding was the obsession until enduro came along, and then enduro lost its ranking cos of FMX. But still do them frequently. Puzzle building and reading, its my inner nerd coming out. Often I am physically exhausted but my poor braincell has been main lining cocaine all day and I need something to keep it occupied. And I have excelled with the russian dwarf hamster, starting with 2 (slutty) and ending with 40ish (they hard to count when you have a zoo of them.) so least I have kept them alive. Down to 5 now and they have had the talk about birth control, family planning and seperate cages, I am down to 5.

So with a normal week where i struggle to find time to eat, my friends wanna know what I'm doing, and since I have an English degree - tada! This will be filled with riding, make up tips (hahahahah NOT), parties, crazyness and the general shenanigans of me and my minions.