I’m a sales rep, which means I go into the battle field of
the Johannesburg road system every day all day. Now how I haven’t lost my few
marbles I have left from running this gauntlet every day, or turned homicidal I
can only blame the fact I thank fully don’t spend all my time on the roads in a
car but switch between bike and car. So no white jacket just yet. But with time
being out there on the frontlines I have learnt these valuable things:
a)
Red Robots are mere suggestions. A few years ago
they were law but now if you like Russian roulette, play it in your car in
traffic! Every day I see someone not only squeezing in waaaayyyy after the
lights gone red, or waaaay before it goes green but each week I find a driver
who whizzes through a red robot at top speed in the middle of a red light like
the cops are chasing him, yeah right.
b)
Other mere suggestions on roads are stop
streets, yield signs, right of ways or generally following any rules. I mean
that’s for suckers that like being alive.
c)
Indicators do not come standard on cars!
Changing lanes in the K53 required a blind spot check, once you’ve survived
your test you can now assume the poor guy next to you has the reflexes of
superman and can brake because you want to be in that lane, indicating is just
ruining the surprise. Also turning using
your indicators are for poor sods who want the cars to know what they’re about
to do in the hopes of survival. Also indicating the right direction is boring.
Have a good laugh at the pissed off drivers while you indicate right and turn
left. Bahahaha.
d)
White lines are for snorting, yellow lines are
white lines with liver problems and red lines are from some moron bleeding
after being hit by a random car. All of these are to be ignored and assumed to
not exist! Remember people the emergency lanes are for those very busy people
who thinks emergencies are getting home on time.
e)
Don’t get me started in taxi’s. When I’m in a
car I think all taxi’s should be rounded up and killed. This is not genocide
but culling. If we can cull elephants for the betterment of the nature reserve
we should do it to taxi drivers. Ironically on a bike they are the ones that
move aside for me and know I’m there, so as long as I’m on 2 wheels they can
stay.
f)
Pedestrians, really? In this country you hit a
pedestrian running around in the road and you get charged with manslaughter
even though they’re playing dodge the traffic on the ROAD, where the CARS are.
My mom used to say she drove on the sidewalks because there was less foot
traffic on it. So true. You come across some walking on the road, forcing you
to a grinding halt, even though there is
16km’s of open field right next to them to walk, and they then give you a death
stare like ‘how dare you and your car be on a road’ and then amble at the speed
of death out of your way. I will knock one over simply outta spite one day.
g)
Speed limits are a good idea to follow people.
20kms and hour in a 60 zone will have me put my high heel through your ear one
day. 160 in an 80 zone, also if I catch you, I have one shoe left. Following up
my bumper so close I feel like a porn star is not going to make me go faster,
especially since I’m probably sandwiched between you and a car in front on me doing
the 20 in a 60 zone trick, who has just pulled out in front of you forcing you
to emergency brake.
h)
Right of ways now are actually not for people
who actually have the right of way. Nope its in the order of who has the bigger
car, who is the most lawless and who drives a bmw or merc. If you do not have
any of these, than prepared to wait until there is NO ONE and you are thus
allowed to go.
i)
Thanking someone goes a long way. When I was
growing up my Dad used to teach me that if anyone did anything nice for you in
traffic, you thank them. Please can we make this part of the drivers test. It’s
so rare to be thanked for making someone else’s life just a tad easier. I still
do it, a little wave always gets the person smiling. Simple gesture. Now zap
signs are far more common than anything.
But in the general havoc of the road I have realised that I
seriously need a holiday, before I put a stiletto heel through a drivers head.
Thank god I’m not armed.
Okay bitch session over! I'll be back in my cage if you need me.
